Spring cleaning

You’ve been living rent free in my mind long enough. Time to cash in the chips and go, this is your eviction notice. I’m done. The cycle is over and you do not pass go. Memories about you have kept me up at night. Provoking the question of why am I not good enough? What about me makes it hard to love. The constant thoughts plagued me which kept circling the drain, even though I just wanted to wash it away. Countless bottles of wine only to suppress any and all feelings that would arise. No matter the number, it did more harm than good .It was groundhogs day and I couldn’t wake up. Everyone always has said time heals all wounds. Yet rarely, will anyone tell you that sometimes the wounds that need to be healed have been with you all your life. It’s quite a trip this one. Understanding self love and worth. Admitting to yourself that you’re more afraid of receiving real love than the emotionally unavailable bullshit you’re so accustomed to. That’s the hard part. Being vulnerable and honest with yourself. Allowing what doesn’t feel right go once and for all. Stepping out of the cycle of who you were and into who you are meant to be. It’s metaphorically jumping into a cold pool on a hot summer day and finally coming up for air. The sensation as you push off the bottom of that pool and spring out of the water. Feeling free. Cleansed. With water droplets washing away all the parts of me that I no longer wish to forget. Instead I want to embrace them and more importantly embrace myself. I didn’t know how I would react, that’s something I always pondered. How my heart would feel when I saw the man who I thought was my happily ever after with his new chapter. Calm and collected with a hint of relief was what washed over as I replayed it a few more times for good measure. That’s when it hit me, it’s over and it’s been over. Whatever I thought I was holding onto had vanished into thin air and to my surprise I was happy about it. I was no longer the 21 year old free spirited gypsy with pink hair and a fuck you attitude. More like the 29 year old who knows exactly what she wants which even may include a white picket fence and a whole family. It wasn’t until that moment. I realized that what I actually want is something I didn’t think I deserved. In my brain a healthy love and relationship sounded boring and unattainable, a total snooze fest as far as I was concerned. Chaos might as well of been my middle name back then, I would embrace it where ever it was.I would be going to bed when the rest of the world was waking up. Now the mere sound of that word has me running the opposite direction and ducking for cover. What I crave these days is peace and happiness and of course, love. Authentic love, the kind of love that doesn’t make you question anything. The kind of love that inspires you to be the best possible version of yourself. The kind of love, that no matter what both of you show up. More importantly a love and relationship that is equal and built on a solid foundation. That’s what I want now, not the crazy chaos that used to inhabit my being. Thankfully for me I’m finally figuring out how to obtain that.No longer am I shutting doors on anything. No longer am I shutting something out because it’s terrifying. Everything has changed and shifted. A dear friend pointed out the other day how I don’t believe I deserve love . She said “you don’t think you deserve love, do you?” Which in normal fashion I would of protested that she was absolutely crazy, instead I thought for a moment before responding. As I took in the words she said, I thought to myself “fuck is she right?Have I become so fucked up and lost my way, where I am too afraid to let something potentially amazing in my life”. It doesn’t even matter what type of relationship it is. I was trying to already self sabatoge something that’s authentic and good for me. Once i actually processed what she said the dominos of my brain started to fall. One after another which triggered me into peeling back the layers of all the trauma that I locked into Pandora’s box all those years ago. I was standing in the mirror and hardly was able to recognize the woman staring back at me.